My Mom Loves Pamphlets

My mom loves pamphlets.  Colorful-shiny-FUN-SUCKING pamphlets.  She carries various pamphlets in her purse and can whip them out quicker than Paula Deen’s chicken pot pie out of an oven.

*examples of pamplets*

SIDE NOTE:  I am not sure that the way to heaven is on a rusty playground swing

FOR EXAMPLE:  If you were at an Italian restaurant and you can’t decide between the spaghetti with meatballs OR with clam sauce… *WHAM*  She could extract a pamphlet from her oversized-Baptist-purse that would tell you something bad about clams.  Or meatballs.  It all depends.  It’s like having an iPhone app...but a crunched-up, colorful app. 

When I was in college, I had a boyfriend (who shall remain unnamed) coming to stay with my family for the weekend.  I don’t remember the details of why this was happening, so I can only assume that I hated him and wanted him to be miserable. We spent the day my family doing various non-sexual activities, and then it was time for nighty-night. 

Of course, we had to stay in separate bedrooms with no sneaky-peaky, hanky-panky. 

He went to the guest room, pulled down the covers, and there it was: The dreaded pamphlet...

The title was:
SEX IS NOT LOVE

Thanks mom.  That was awesome.

For those who know my family… being around them makes you NOT want to have sex.  Ever.   Essentially, that pamphlet was not necessary. 

*replica of pamplet*

I was a 20-year old girl trying to have a boyfriend because of my Baptist requirement was to get married ASAP to someone that could fully support me so I could procreate and stay at home and do all the laundry and grocery shopping and cooking and cleaning, and I had a tight time-frame. 

"I can't wait for my husband to get home so I can have LOTS of sex"

Leaving pamphlets under the covers for my boyfriend was NOT HELPING…WHY WOULD SHE SABBATOGE her own plan to marry me off?? 

Whatever.  The pamphlet DID had some useful suggestions; however, I chose to ignore almost all of them.

At this time, I would like to take a second to give a shout-out to my SECOND-PLACE favorite pamphlet... and the award goes to:

CHOOSE A DATE THAT WOULD MAKE A GOOD MATE

My Mom's probably reading this right now thinking:

“HA!  You may have been annoyed at my feeble attempt to keep you on the straight and narrow; however you REMEMBERED the names of the pamphlets.”     

Well, of course I remember.  I think you framed them and hung them on my wall.  Or, I could be imagining that. 

*This pamphlet covered everything that I should never  do, including giving cigarettes to a cat*

Either way, I remember being annoyed.  In fact, it annoyed me so bad that it made me WANT to have LOTS of SEX with someone that I didn’t love and that would make an awful mate.  HA!  I showed you!  

Then, I wrote my own damn pamphlet:

  DIVORCE IS AN AWESOME ALTERNATIVE TO MURDER