This Blog Is Sponsored By The Letter “K”

A few years back my mom decided (for no apparent reason) she wanted to divide up all her worldly belongings while she was still alive.  She wasn’t going to give us anything right away, but at least we would all know who’s getting what.  My mom’s reasoning sounded logical to the untrained person– “I don’t want you to fight over my stuff after I’m dead.”

*Actual picture of me holding my sister... right before I squeezed the life out of her and beat her with the snorkel behind us  (not really) *

So, we were going to meet with a lawyer to draw up a will, right?  NOPE.  My mom had a MUCH better idea than any legal type of document.  WE DIDN’T NEED NO STINKIN’ LAWYERS..

*not actual lawyers*

She pulled out two black sharpie markers and handed one to me and to my sister and instructed us to put a “K” underneath the things that I wanted, and my sister would mark her things with a “T”.   Yes indeed, this was MUCH better than having a last will and testament.  Silly lawyers.

However, I immediately recognized flaws in my mother’s system.

Suddenly and without warning, it was like a crazy Japanese game show exploded in my mom’s living room. 

 My sister morphed into a crazed-flesh-eating-monster … scratching “T”s on all the good stuff.  Momentarily dazed and confused, I erratically pushed through the maze of mom’s stuff... shoving small children and old ladies out of my way…  I thought I saw something valuable in my peripheral vision… I lunged towards the china cabinet... grabbed the alleged valuable artifact.. turned it upside down and was just about to mark it with a BIG FAT K… and damn if there wasn’t a T already there.  There were T’s everywhere.  Panic set in.

*actual picture of my sister *

Flustered, I grabbed a worthless piece of crap to make my mark, and much to my amazement, there was already a K.  WHAT?  I didn’t mark this… That’s when I realized that my sister was marking the ALL THE CRAP STUFF with a K… just to make sure that she wouldn’t be stuck with it one day.

*examples of crap that I did not want*

*side note: don't email me to tell me that these things are valuable*

I needed a life-line to win.  Could I phone a friend or use my street shout-out?   There was no time. 

*not actual picture of me*

All the good stuff was COVERED with T’s.   There was confusion, mayhem, TOTAL ANARCHY… and that’s when I realized….  My mom’s ultimate plan was to see us fight over her stuff while she was ALIVE.   HA! We had been outsmarted by the lady that doesn’t even have an email address.  HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

Good news is that we think that most of the stuff in my mom’s house came from SteinMart or Target.  So, neither of us really won the lottery that day.  Although, we did get some good excersize.  And everytime I go to my mom’s house, I like to randomly pick up one of the chachkies and look underneath just to see what’s there.

I have also figured out how to make a “T” look like a “K”.