I moved out on my own when I was 18, and my mom needed a hobby. How about jigsaw puzzles or learning a foreign language? Nope. My mom had a different idea on how to spend her free time.
On a sunny, unremarkable day in 1986, I received a phone call from a friend, “I just saw your mom on the news!” he exclaimed.
*Actual picture of my mother's waiving her pimp-slapping hand *
I'm pretty smart, so I immediately recognized that this was not a good sign. Did she finally take revenge on the neighbors that let their dogs crap 478 pounds of excrement in their front yard for the last 15 years by slapping them with her 3 pound, tennis ball sized Avon cocktail ring?
“Why was she on the news?” I asked, fully expecting a story of carnage complete with the ranting of a crazed middle aged homemaker.
He replied, “Apparently she’s leading a rally opposing 2 Live Crew.”
That’s ridiculous. She doesn’t even know who 2 Live Crew is.
For my own entertainment and curiosity, I went to the casa-de-chaos to get to the bottom of this mystery. A direct approach was necessary...
ME: Heard you were on the news.
MOM: Yes, I’m opposing 2 Live Crew.
ME: Do you even know who 2 Live Crew is?
MOM: They are a bunch of horrible, horrible men that can’t even sing – they “rap” about killing their mothers and teachers and girlfriends. And puppies. And nuns.
ME: Can you tell me the name of one of their songs?
MOM: (long pause) No. But they’re all horrible.
ME: If the lead singer walked through the door right now, would you recognize him?
MOM: Yes, because he would look like a horrible hoodlum criminal.
Ok, good. That was a start.
*As you can see, 2 Live Crew is clearly upset at my mother's opposition to them.*
I thought this new opposing-business may have been an anomaly – a momentary snapshot in time. But alas, this was only the beginning. My mom discovered her *love* of opposing. She turned opposing into an art-form. There was no stopping her… This marked the beginning of my mother opposing strange random things.
On my following visit, I couldn’t help but notice bright yellow garbage bags sitting out front by the road. They had the word PORN written on them as pictured:
Wow, this was new.
ME: What’s up with the PORN garbage bags out front?
MOM: I oppose pornography.
ME: Wow, I’m sure the garbage-collectors will appreciate your enthusiasm.
MOM: I’m letting everyone who drives down the street know that I oppose pornography.
ME: I think I saw the neighbor going through your trash. Maybe he thinks you’re throwing away all your porn.
This slip-up didn’t deter my mom from continuing her craft of opposition. She would get better, she would be the best opposer ever….
A few months later, a new opposition appeared out of nowhere. On the inside of the lid of rusty mailbox that is mounted by the front door, my mom placed a bumper sticker that said
“I oppose the liberal media.”
Maybe it says to not believe the liberal media. Whatever. Either way, she opposed it. The only person who sees that bumper sticker is the mailman who lifts the lid to put in the mail. They’ve had the same mailman for 30 years.
I’ve now compiled a list of various things my mother has opposed:
- Public Urination
- Returning Christmas presents
- Technology
- Yoga
- Figment (the purple dragon from EPCOT)
- Hemorrhoids
- Low Flush toilets (she blames Al Gore for inventing them)
- Fun
- The movie Grease
- Pedicures
- Satan
- Matt Lauer and Katie Couric
(This really isn’t a comprehensive list.)
Her most-recent opposition is the INTERNET. She said that she wanted to take an axe and chop-up every computer in the whole world. THE. WHOLE. WORLD.
(She’s still working on her opposition skills…..)
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