I Can Only Excersize With Celebrities

I am not a fan of exercise, but I do it anyway for all the stupid reasons that everyone knows about… so I won’t bore you with all that stupid crap.  

I’m a member of a little gym that next to my work.  The gym is small -only 4 treadmills, 3 ellipticals, 2 stationary bikes, and the standard weight equipment.  I normally try to exercise on my lunch break so that I can make my co-workers think I’m all-healthy, while I’m sticking an entire sleeve of thin-mints into my pie-hole.

My schedule got a little wonky a few months ago, and I had to go the gym AFTER work.  I put on my low-budget gym clothes and hopped on the treadmill. There was no one else there.  I felt like I was stuck in a weird purgatory run by Richard Simmons.

Then suddenly, someone hopped on the treadmill next to me. The treadmills are VERY close together - only about 16 inches apart.  Because of the close proximity, I always feel the need to make an acknowledgement - like when someone gets in your elevator. I figured it may be a co-worker from my building, so I did my cursory glance and nod.  Hmmm, this person does not appear to be your average-disgruntled-government worker…  I glance again.  Weird.  I have to turn my head ALL THE WAY to get a good look-see… and damn if it isn’t Kirstie Alley. 

Here we are.  Me and Kirstie.  Work-out buddies.  Except for she’s got like a whole entourage of people doing things for her.  Someone brings her water, someone sets her treadmill, someone sets up her TV channels.  I keep looking around for someone to bring me water.  No one comes. 

*her entourage is full of really cute guys.  My entourage is full of just me *

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  Is Kirstie as fat as she looks on TV?  The answer is no.  She looks pretty good.  Especially for her age.  I tend to “freeze” people into the age they were when I first saw them.  So, if I met you in 8^th grade, you will ALWAYS be 13 years old to me.  I saw Kirstie on Cheers when she was in her early 30’s, so that’s what she is to me.  However, in REAL LIFE, Kirstie is SIXTY (60) years old.  I KNOW!  WHO KNEW?

So, everyday for two weeks, I would get to the gym, and there was Kirstie.  Sometimes we held short yet intimate conversations.  Once she said to me “I think that elliptical isn’t working right.”  Then I said, “Ok, thanks.”  

 

I bought new gym clothes, jewelry, and made sure my hair and makeup were looking good.. just in case TMZ or Entertainment Tonight showed up at the gym unexpectedly for an exclusive Kirstie Alley workout segment.  Or, as I started calling it – the “Kirstie and Kelly” workout. 

As our relationship grew, I found myself excited about going to the gym.  One particular day, as Kirstie and I were working out together, she took a cell phone call and sat on the Pilates table right next to me.  I turned down the volume on my headphones to listen to her talking.  (oh please, like you wouldn’t do it too.)

She would be considered a loud-talker, and her conversation included monkeys, traveling gnomes, and general famous-people-insanity.  I was so engrossed listening to her conversation, that when it was over, I realized that I had run 6 miles on the treadmill.  This had become the only way I could exercise.  Having her at the gym was my “magic pill.”  I needed her.

*Me falling off the treadmill without Kirstie*

One morning I was packing my gym bag getting ready to drive to work, I saw on TV that Kirstie Alley was going to be on the Oprah show.  It was a re-run… and I had the most super special awesome idea EVER.  I was going to watch Kirstie Alley on Oprah at the gym WHILE working out RIGHT NEXT TO KIRSTIE ALLEY.  Oh my GOD!  How brilliant is that?  I will be watching her on TV simultaneously while being right next to her.  It was sort of confusing, yet awesome.

I was excited as a fat-guy at a KFC Buffet.  I couldn’t wait.  It was like all the stars were aligned.  Then, it started raining. Then it started lightning.  WHAT IS HAPPENING GOD?  Will this weather keep Kirstie away?  Surely the gods of health and exercise were happy with me…  what is going wrong?

At 4pm sharp, I got to the gym.  NO KIRSTIE. 

I tried to work out.  But I couldn’t.  I needed you Kirstie.   I.NEEDED.YOU.

I’ve never seen her there again.  Surely she misses our time together.  The gym used to be magical and fun.  Now, it’s a vortex of pain and horribleness.