This is a true story about how lying can lead to vomiting. Generally speaking, vomiting is never pleasant. Sometimes you feel better after you vomit, but realistically, no one looks forward to vomiting.
One glorious day a few months ago, for reasons unknown, I decided to go to the mall. When I was growing up, my mom never wanted to take me to the mall because she said that the mall was full of sinners. Lots of awesome, adorable, boy-sinners. I loved that mall.
However, I’m now an adult and I hate the mall. I don’t really care if it’s full of sinners, I just think it’s a huge pain in my ass. But, it was Rose’s (my niece) birthday, and I decided I would have her ears pieced.
She was 12 years old. It was time.
*Rose is special*
Problem: Her mother (my sister) wasn’t with us. So, I had to lie to the 19-year old employee at the Piercing Emporium and fill out paperwork saying that Rose was my daughter. As I was filling out the paperwork, I felt something. What could that be? It took me a few minutes, but I eventually identified the feeling as GUILT… because I was LYING. Everything on that paperwork was a lie. I didn’t even use her real name.
Oh, well. We are entering into a right of passage ritual – EAR PIERCING – and NOTHING WAS GOING TO STOP ME.
The only possible thing that could give us away was that Rose kept calling me AUNT KELLY the whole time. Good thing that the Piercing Emporium girl was too stupid to figure out that most people don’t call their mom by the term “AUNT” followed by their first name.
As we were being escorted to “the piercing chair”… Rose reminded me of the disconcerting family tradition of throwing-up and passing out for no apparent medically-related reason. This normally happens to my brother-in-law, who passes out at the site of needles, blood, bodily fluids, or anything slightly unpleasant. Both my nieces inherited this genetic deformity. CRAP. I quickly dismiss her fears “Suck it up, lets get this over with.” But, I said it with my nurturing fake-motherly love.
The piercing chair is conveniently located the very front entrance of the store, totally surrounded by glass. This is well-situated so that all the sinning-mall-goers can walk by and see the piercing taking place. Good idea.
So, the unobservant employee marks the earlobe, pulls out the piercing gun and *POP*… the first ear is pierced.
Then as she was reloading the piercing gun…
ROSE: Aunt Kelly… I mean.. FAKE-MOMMY… I don’t feel good.
ME: Dear sweet fake-daughter, you’re fine.
ROSE: I think I’m going to throw-up.
ME: It’s all in your head. Think happy thoughts. Like raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.
ROSE: Good idea Aunt Kelly, I mean.. FAKE-MOMMY. Find me a garbage can. I’ll think of bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens while I’M VOMITING.
And, sure enough… it happened….projectile vomiting…in the middle of the store, in front of the glass where all the sinning mall-goers stopped and stared in horror….
LOUD. GURGLING. VOMITING.
I dreamed of this day. Except in my dream, there was alcohol involved.
I held back her hair like a good fake-mom should.
I saw real-moms with their real-kids running out of the store. CHAOS. We were solely-responsible for awkward, chunky, embarrassing CHAOS.
All I wanted to do was to get that other ear pierced and get the hell out of there as fast as possible. People were running, screaming, grabbing their kids and covering their eyes.
*Actual people fleeing in horror*
JUST PIERCE THE OTHER EAR, LADY! CAN’T YOU SEE GOD IS PUNISHING ME FOR LYING?
She popped the other ear, I grabbed my fake-kid with my fake-mom-hand, and we ran out of there like a hooker running out of church... practically knocking over the garbage can full of our LYING VOMIT.
*Simulated picture of a lying kid. (This is not Rose) *
We got to the car… and suddenly I noticed a rainbow overhead, and birds chirping, and little spotted-butterflies circling our heads. And Rose looked up with me, and with a little gooey vomit still stuck to her chin, she squeaked “THANK YOU FAKE MOMMY.”
I still feel all warm inside thinking about it.
*actual picture of Rose's pierced ear*
No comments:
Post a Comment