My Dog Can't Read

I have 2 dogs - an old female weiner dog who never moves except to eat, and a young psychotic dog named Zoe. 

Zoe looks like the offspring of a wild night between a jack russel and a german shepherd.  

I had planned to leave town and couldn't bring Zoe, mostly because she's a total pain in the ass, and I was visiting my sister.. and my sister hates Zoe.  That's when I familiarized myself with this awesome concept of DOG BOARDING.

My over-simplified concept was..  I would drop Zoe off, go on my trip, pick Zoe up.  Right?  Nope..  not even close.

The first boarding place I called said that I had to fill out a 17 thousand page document and I would need to bring Zoe in to see if they would "accept" her into their program.  Ummmm  I'm confused - is this the University of Florida?  I WANT TO PAY YOU TO WATCH MY DAMN DOG.. that's it.  Nothing more. Nothing less.

Next call.  Good news, their paperwork was only 9 thousand pages.  I asked the lady on the phone what Zoe's SAT scores had to be in order to be accepted into her prestigious program.  NONE.  GREAT.  This is the place for me. 

So, I grab my dog, throw her in the car, and was headed for the simple drop off. 

BUT - when I get there.. something odd happened....

"Mrs Legg - would you like the extra deluxe package?"

"Ummm.. I don't know. ?"

The EXTRA DELUXE package includes a special night-time treat, a bedtime story, and a personal tuck-in service.

This is where a million different thoughts fly thru my head so quickly that I'm pretty sure that my whole head will burst into flames any minute. 

God, what if I say no.. and all the other doggy parents said Yes.. then MY dog will be the only dog without a special treat, a bedtime story, and a personal tuck in.  Will Zoe sit on the other side of the room, pining for a story, seeing the other dogs getting tucked in??  She'll be an outcast for sure.

The sensible part of me wanted to say  "Have you lost your mind.  I just want to drop off this dog, and I simply want you to keep her alive until I return.  That's it."   FOR GOD'S SAKE..  Can a dog even understand a bedtime story??  My dog doesn't read.  I'm pretty sure she only understands 3 or 4 words total.

But, I pull out my credit card and pay for the EXTRA DELUXE package...     what the hell just happened here?   

When I pick her up, we get home.. and I ask her about her bedtime story.. and she looked at me and then crapped on the floor.  Wow.  I feel the same way.

Memoirs of an enthusiastic sleeper...

To anyone that's known me for any length of time,  they will tell you that I like sleep. 

As a teenager, I never had a curfew.. because I would come home early because I wanted to sleep.  One time, I fell asleep on date with my boyfriend .. and he drove me home and knocked on the door and told my parents to come out and get me. 

I think I overestimated my ability to sleep as an adult.   Thus, my adventures with Ambien was born. 

Ambien is like an awesome friend .. but an awesome friend that sometimes takes advantage of you and leaves you drunk in an alley. 

Below is a list of various fun times Ambien and I had together:

• I ate an etire sleeve of fig newtons, a banana, spoonfuls of peanut butter, and countless glasses of Ovaltine. (no memory of the event)
• I cut my hair. (no memory of the event)
• I sent emails to my sister at 2am giving her instructions for my funeral arrangement (no memory of the event)
• I held entire conversations with various people about various subjects  - all of which I had NO recollection of the following day.

Yes, Ambien cleverly disguises herself like you're at a spa with a happy unicorn with rainbows and lollypops shooting out of its ass, but in reality, its like you fought all night in a cage with a ravenous flesh-eating dinosaur.

My first blog entry.....

I decided to write this blog at the continuous encouragement from my fans.  Actually, most people are saying, "Wow, you post to facebook alot.. don't you have a life?"   Or  "Apparently you have too much time on your hands."     So to answer all the moronic people questioning my time, "Yes, there are alot of other things that I could be doing right now.. however, my house is being cleaned by a robot that I call Tosh.O, my children are fed and have clean clothing, and for the most part everything here is in order. So shove that up your ass."

Ok, maybe I should leave the shove that up your ass part off of it.  But, hey, I'm Italian, this is my blog.. and no one is forcing you to read it.  And, if you ARE reading it.. then apparently you have cooked, cleaned, and done all your laundry.. or you have too much time on YOUR hands to have nothing better to do than to read this crazy blog.