Why Fake Dog Poop Makes An Awesome Present

This story was not on my list until today.  However, it’s so completely and unbelievable strange (and true) that I had to share it immediately.  I need to remove it from my head, and therefore I will now put it in your head.  That will make me feel better.

To the average person, my mother may appear normal.  She looks like your typical middle-class, stay-at-home, southern Baptist, mom.   She doesn’t travel to exotic places or work out at the gym, or dance at a bar, or gamble in a casino.   She’s the mom that made our home-made play-dough, packed our lunches everyday, drove us to dance lessons, and made pot-roast each Sunday. 

Everything looks normal to the UNTRAINED EYE.

I know things.   And, those things scare me because I see so much of myself in her, and personally, I think she’s off her rocker.  I have so many, many, many mom stories.. and each one of them could be self-sustaining … so, I won’t make this particular story a compilation.  I feel like I’m a caveman, and I’ve heard a story from another cave-person, and I have to run back to my cave and scratch it on the wall … 

My conversation with my mom today:

MOM :  You don’t have to use dirty words on your blog.  Stupid people use dirty words, like rappers.

ME:  It’s my blog, and sometimes I need to use that kind of language to reveal the depths of my experiences.

MOM:  You need a thesaurus.  It would give you alternate words to use.  For example, the word derrière is just as funny as the word ass.

ME:   I have a thesaurus.  I didn’t use the word ass to be funny.  It was just a word I used to describe my butt.  And, derrière is not as funny as the word ass.  Ass beats derrière.  Hands-down.

*This is where the conversation takes a sharp turn, and runs smack into bizarre.  She wants me to write a letter to go inside a present that she is giving to someone.  This may sound reasonable to the UNTRAINED PERSON. 

The explanations behind the present are numerous… but lets just go with this:  It’s a "gift" to a professional person who is incompetent .. and apparently is now going to deal with the wrath of my mother forever.  So, then she tells me her PLAN:

MOM:  I’m giving a “present” to  X. (x= the un-named person)  I want you to write a letter to give with the present.

ME:  What’s the present?

MOM:  Fake dog poop.  I was saving real dog poop in ziplock bags in the freezer, but I’ve consulted some people who told me that it would be best to buy fake dog poop.

ME:  Yes,  fake dog poop makes a much better present than real, frozen dog poop.  Everyone knows that.  DUH.

MOM:  So, I ended up going to Spencer’s Gifts at the mall to buy the fake dog poop.  That place is horrible and satanic.  If I had to go there everyday I would be skinny, because it made me so nauseated that I couldn’t eat.

ME:  Really?  So, Spencer’s made you nauseated, but storing dog poop in the freezer is perfectly fine.

MOM:  I've put the fake poop in a very pretty gift bag but I need something SCATHING to write in the card.  But, you can’t use any bad language.

ME:  Wow, so you want to give someone dog poop, but don’t want to use offensive language.  THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.  Sure, I’m in.

That’s when it hit me. 

It’s like I have time traveled forward, and I am speaking to a “Future Me”….   HOLY CRAP!  I felt complete panic set in.  Things were flashing through my mind.. because I knew with ALL CERTAINTY.. that this is EXACTLY like something I would do.  EXACTLY.  Except I would use bad words.

I quickly made a mental list of things my mother wouldn’t do… and I tried to do them all real quick… So I did a shot of tequila and I ran on the treadmill…  I turned on the radio and listed to some Sting and Bon Jovi…  I got a pedicure. (my mom told me to never get a pedicure because people die from pedicures.)  I flipped someone the bird.  

I was now ready to write the perfect letter to accompany the dog poop present:

“Dear X – I think you are a piece of excrement that came out of the anal cavity of a canine.”

There, that should do it.   Now for another shot of tequila…..

PS.  During my research of fake dog poop, I wanted to let my readers know that you can buy 1 Dozen Fake Dog Poop in Bulk from Amazon.com for 9.95.   Apparently dog poop makes an awesomely delicious present.