I Was *FELT-UP* By Luke Skywalker

Traveling with my family was always sketchy.  As a kid, you just never knew what the hell was going on – no itinerary, no sitting at the table looking thru the encyclopedia Britannica’s researching the City you were about to visit.  We were pretty much told to get in the car. These were the days before GPS, Mapquest, or common sense.  We went to AAA and some old man used a yellow highlighter on a Trip Tik for you.  We were always lost.

I have multitudes of travel stories.  However, this one in particular is among the strangest. 

There was a large group of us – MY family AND my aunt, uncle, and cousins.  We all got into this old 1976 van that looked like the Mystery Machine from Scooby Doo.  It even had a full bed in the back and a CB Radio.   I was about 14 years old, and the worse possible thing that could happen besides an un-timely breakout would be going on vacation with my entire family.  And we were driving all the way to Washington DC in the Mystery Machine…   Whoever thought this was a good idea should have been stoned to death.

*Not actual Van, but similar*

I feel it’s important that you know that my father is a complete cheap-ass.  It would take a tractor to pull a dollar out of his crack.  Seriously.  This is well documented.  I bring this up because we NEVER took a vacation unless it was coinciding with my dad’s business trip.

I won’t bore you with the details of the travel itself, I think I may have blocked most of it out anyway.  I do this sometimes as a defense mechanism to save myself.  But, the hotel where we stayed into is BURNED into my memory forever.  Its not the main part of this story.. but imagine a prehistoric motel from an old scary movie.  I was pretty sure that a prostitute was killed in our room.  I’m telling you this because none of this made me happy.

 *Example of our hotel *

Anway, back on track.  My dad had managed to get us all tickets on a “private” tour of the White House.  I’m not sure what made it private.  I think Ronald Regan was president, and I’m pretty sure that neither Ronnie nor Nancy gave us the tour, but whatever.

It was during this private group tour that I made eye-contact across the room with Luke Skywalker.  He was probably about 17 years old, and although not as hot as Hans Solo, he was pretty cute.  Now, remember that I had been stuck in the flipping Mystery Machine with my family for days, and then in a prostitute motel… so this is my first sign of anything good on this vacation.

 *This is an example of the Luke Skywalker eye-contact*

As we entered into each room, the guide explained a whole bunch of stupid shit that 14-year-old girls and Luke Skywalker did not care about.  The force was with us.

Each time we entered into a different room, Luke Skywalker gradually eased his way closer.  We finally came into the “Blue Room.”   Luke had made his way across the galaxy and was standing directly behind me.        **And that’s when IT happened. **

I felt Luke’s hand on my ass.  Are you kidding me?  Am I getting FELT-UP by a complete stranger who looks like Luke Skywalker in the Blue Room in the White House?  I was pretty sure that all the dead presidents knew exactly what was happening.

*Actual Blue Room in the White House, with my drawings to demonstrate the groping, generally speaking*

Without going into great detail…this was a full-fledge grope.  There was definitely “light- saber” action going on here, if you know what I mean.   I felt panic set in.  I used my mind to try to get Luke to remove his had from its grip on my ass.  

"Powerful you have become, the dark side I sense in you."

It wasn’t working.  The dark-side was stronger than I thought.

HOLY CRAP!.. the guide lady kept talking about the drapes, and tapestries, and blah blah blah…  All the time I was willing her in my mind to SHUT THE HELL UP and lets move on to the Yellow room, or the Oval Office, or the hall of dead presidents or whatever.. let’s go lady! 

WHERE IS FRICKIN’ YODA when you need him? 

 *yoda is of no help*

FINALLY we made it to the next room where I positioned my ass directly infront of my parents.  Normally I acted as if they were complete strangers to me, so I assumed that this would send up some read flags now that I am stuck to them like a cockroach on a cupcake.

I tell the parental units – after the tour is over -  that Luke Skywalker felt-me up in the Blue Room.  And they both look at me with blank stares and then they mumbled something about my attitude and how I just had a chance of a lifetime getting a tour of the white house and that I should have paid more attention…    Well, it was hard paying attention when Luke Skywalker had his KUNG-FU-GRIP-DARK-SIDE-HAND on my ASS… I’ll try better next time.

TAKE THAT MONICA LEWINSKI.  You weren’t the only brown-eyed girl to get a good groping in the White House.  I beat you by AT LEAST 15 years. 

May the force be with you all….