Your Cornholio is too small

This post is dedicated to my niece - who will always be known by her nickname - Pot Roast.  When she came out.. she was not fully cooked.  And furthermore, she only weighed 5 pounds or something.. and I made a comment at that very pivotal moment that I had just cooked a Pot Roast bigger than her.

                 *Actual picture of my niece*

So, I had a recent weekend encounter that included an ENORMOUS TURD, a Civil War re-enactment, and a very small cornholio. 

We arrived at some Fort that the popcorn-kernal brother in law wanted to visit.  The Pot Roast was screaming in pain as we pulled in.. so in the parking lot, in the HEAT, in the broad daylight - - my sister announces..

"OH MY GOD!  SHE'S CONSTIPATED."

My sister is a blurter.  However, this blurt had a ring of truth.. so here we are, pulling off her diaper, lifting up her legs.. (the baby - not my sister).. and sure enough.. there WAS an  ENORMOUS turd stuck in the hole.  Picture a pingpong ball trying to come out of your nostril. 

So, Pot Roast is screaming.. and right on cue...here comes the Civil War re-enactment.. drums, cannon, soldiers, horses...  Even in the midst of war, that turd was NOT coming out.  And, the south would not rise again.

SISTER:  She has poop stuck in her hole!
ME:  I see that.
POT ROAST:   WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! (translation: HELP ME, PEOPLE!  I have a big turd stuck in my butt!)
SISTER:  What should we do?
ME:  I suggest you try to pull it out.
 (Picture this conversation with the cannons bursting and Yankee Doodle Dandee playing in the background)

Here is where I list all the reasons why constipation sucks.  Forget it.  You know.

I'm sure you're now sitting on the edge of your seat wondering what happened to the turd.  Rest assured, it came out.  And the moral of the story is:  It sucks if your cornholio is too small.  And, don't be constipated during the Civil War.  And sometimes it sucks to be a baby. 

How Salad Dressing Can Ruin Your Life

I  spent the first 18 years of my 43 years of life being blissfully unaware of the "BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE" trickery.  The better part of my childhood I lived in fear that one day I would want a salad, and there would be NO SALAD DRESSING in the pantry.   Now that I'm an adult, I shouldn't have to live in fear anymore.

Apparently, my mother had this same fear, thus leading to the salad dressing hoarding.  *NOTE: I find it important to let my readers know that I have enough material on my mother to blog every day of my life, and I would NEVER run out of material.

If you are a person that has ever been in a grocery store, you know that at ANY grocery store on ANY given day of the year, you can find salad dressing on a "buy one get one free" sale.  I have to keep reminding myself of this.. because I keep hearing this voice saying, "You better stock up, you never know when these salad dressings will be on sale again."    Dear GOD!.. that voice is my mom.  It is NOT the voice of reason.

My mother cleverly disguises her salad dressing hoarding as "finding a good bargain."...  Recently, my sister and I have gone through her panty and found bottles of salad dressing dating back to the late 90's.  We speculated that she was stocking up for Y2K.  My mom would have ruled the world had it ended in 2000 -  as she would have held the world's entire supply of ranch dressing in her panty. 





*Actual Picture of part of my mother's pantry*

As it turns out, I may be incapable to stop myself of this genetic pre-disposition to hoarding.  The unexplainable part is that I KNOW in my mind that I don't need more salad dressing, yet I feel compelled to buy it anyway.  A thousand curses to my genetics.

*Actual picture of the inside of my mother's refridgerator.. with possible expired items circled in blue*

But, alas.. it doesn't end there.  While cleaning out my mom's freezer, my sister and I also found many baggies -  each with bits of Honey-baked Ham inside..meticulously labeled for future use. 

For example:  "Easter 2002".  

HOLY CRAP. I feel like I'm going to start hoarding Honey Baked Ham now.  What is happening to me?  Will it never end?

My first blog entry.....

I decided to write this blog at the continuous encouragement from my fans.  Actually, most people are saying, "Wow, you post to facebook alot.. don't you have a life?"   Or  "Apparently you have too much time on your hands."     So to answer all the moronic people questioning my time, "Yes, there are alot of other things that I could be doing right now.. however, my house is being cleaned by a robot that I call Tosh.O, my children are fed and have clean clothing, and for the most part everything here is in order. So shove that up your ass."

Ok, maybe I should leave the shove that up your ass part off of it.  But, hey, I'm Italian, this is my blog.. and no one is forcing you to read it.  And, if you ARE reading it.. then apparently you have cooked, cleaned, and done all your laundry.. or you have too much time on YOUR hands to have nothing better to do than to read this crazy blog.