I Can't Believe I Want A Pair of Pajama Jeans

I'm not feeling all that well - my immune system is obviously compromised because I'm finding myself watching perplexing shows like "The Real Housewives of Atlanta."  I'm obviously very ill.

As I stared helplessly at the TV, this commercial comes on about Pajama Jeans.  Perhaps its my sickness or my boredom, but I think I want to order a pair. 

I fit ALL the criteria:

Do you love stylish, sexy jeans?  YES I DO.
Do you love soft, comfy pajamas?  YES I DO.

There is even a secret DORMA-SOFT lining. 
A. SECRET.LINING  !!

The commercial said that you can even SLEEP in these jeans.  I LOVE TO SLEEP.  And, sometimes if I've had too much to drink, I have been known to fall asleep in my jeans... so these seem like the perfect jean for me.

And, the fact that the jeans that I'm wearing right now are cutting off the circulation to the lower half of my body...this makes the comfy PAJAMA JEANS even more appealing.

Oh, curses to you Pajama Jeans~ CURSES!  Even though I want to be comfy and stylish in a pair of jeans that is full of secret ingredients, I am conflicted about buying something that I can wear to go out to dinner then fall asleep in.  Its a slippery slope....

The commercial says "You can wear them everyday!"  GOD, what if I DO wear them everyday?  Then I'm sleeping in my pajamas and wearing them to the grocery store, and work, then sleeping again.  Before you know it, its like I'm a homeless lady- yet a comfy,stylish homeless lady.

Perhaps I will wait to order them tomrrow...

Your Cornholio is too small

This post is dedicated to my niece - who will always be known by her nickname - Pot Roast.  When she came out.. she was not fully cooked.  And furthermore, she only weighed 5 pounds or something.. and I made a comment at that very pivotal moment that I had just cooked a Pot Roast bigger than her.

                 *Actual picture of my niece*

So, I had a recent weekend encounter that included an ENORMOUS TURD, a Civil War re-enactment, and a very small cornholio. 

We arrived at some Fort that the popcorn-kernal brother in law wanted to visit.  The Pot Roast was screaming in pain as we pulled in.. so in the parking lot, in the HEAT, in the broad daylight - - my sister announces..

"OH MY GOD!  SHE'S CONSTIPATED."

My sister is a blurter.  However, this blurt had a ring of truth.. so here we are, pulling off her diaper, lifting up her legs.. (the baby - not my sister).. and sure enough.. there WAS an  ENORMOUS turd stuck in the hole.  Picture a pingpong ball trying to come out of your nostril. 

So, Pot Roast is screaming.. and right on cue...here comes the Civil War re-enactment.. drums, cannon, soldiers, horses...  Even in the midst of war, that turd was NOT coming out.  And, the south would not rise again.

SISTER:  She has poop stuck in her hole!
ME:  I see that.
POT ROAST:   WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! (translation: HELP ME, PEOPLE!  I have a big turd stuck in my butt!)
SISTER:  What should we do?
ME:  I suggest you try to pull it out.
 (Picture this conversation with the cannons bursting and Yankee Doodle Dandee playing in the background)

Here is where I list all the reasons why constipation sucks.  Forget it.  You know.

I'm sure you're now sitting on the edge of your seat wondering what happened to the turd.  Rest assured, it came out.  And the moral of the story is:  It sucks if your cornholio is too small.  And, don't be constipated during the Civil War.  And sometimes it sucks to be a baby.