Why I Want To Monkey-Punch Everyone On The Bachelor

Although I’m sure tons of shit has been written about the television show “The Bachelor/The Bachelorette,”  this will not deter me from writing about it too.

I am stuck between being completely disturbed and completely blissful. I can’t stop watching it. I'm like an shriveled up old addict that crawls accross the floor for her drug of choice (the tv remote)... Especially this season with Ben and those STUPID GIRLS…

*example of stupid crying girl pictured above*

FIRST – what are the odds that ONE guy would be in a room with 25 girls and they ALL FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM?  Really??  On this particular season, I could be stuck in a room with that dude, and I’d be like:

“Uh, yeah… don’t give me a rose…. I just want to see Puerto Rico… you don’t interest me at all.”

*I want shove the entire dozen roses up his ass-crack*

I may become slightly interested in Ben if he’d cut his ugly-ass-stringy hair, stop acting like a big wussy, and stop sticking his big nasty tongue in everyone’s mouth....and if he had $30 trijillion dollars. Or if I was deaf, blind, and hadn’t had sex in 20 years. Or if I had absolutely NO self-respect for myself. Or if I was so drunk that I had passed out with my pajama jeans on. 

I’m completely baffled.  I have often been in a room with 25 guys – and THEY ALL HAVE NOT FALLEN COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH ME.. and fight and cry over me.. blah blah blah…  How come the hell that doesn’t happen in real life?

I cannot help myself... I'm yelling at the tv at Ben to grow a pair of balls. I'm pissed those desperate girls have no self-respect. Stop freaking out and crying when he goes on a date. Have they never watched the show? Do they NOT KNOW that is what is going to happen?

*example of a stupid crybaby contestant. I want to bitch-slap them all*

Ben's nasty make-out sessions with every girl is especially disconcerting to me because at some point, I think we’ve got ourselves a hygienic issue. Why don’t they all just use the same toothbrush or drink each other’s spit. GOOD GRIEF.

Finally – what is up with the host dude stepping out at the rose ceremony and announcing that there is “just one more rose to hand out”? ARE THE GIRLS BLIND? Can they NOT see the last rose?  Thanks host-guy…. for clearly stating the obvious.  I want to take the whole dozen roses with their thorns on and beat everyone in that room.

So, stupid bachelorette contestants……if you don’t get a rose, don’t embarrass yourself by your slobbery, snotty-nose, desperate crying and saying “why didn’t he like me?”… GET SOME SELF-RESPECT.  I’d be all like:

 “F-that ugly dude… I didn’t want a stinkin’ rose because this show sucks and everything is fake. I just wanted to travel on someone else’s dime. And I didn’t have to go to work for a few weeks. YAY ME!” 

BACHELOR GIRLS – STOP EMBARRASING YOURSELVES. You are making all the women that fought for their rights and equality PISSED OFF!  (they are crying for you now....)

This has been a public service announcement.